Tian Dayton

Today I am capable of allowing my life to feel good. My habit pattern from my past has taught me that when life is going well, not to trust it. I unconsciously wait for the bottom to fall out when life feels too good, fearing what I learned as a child, that it will not last. When I get like this, I do something to mess things up. Just being aware of this will help me to ride out the good times, as threatening as they may be. It is the nature of life for nothing to last, good or bad. Good and bad are the judgments we bring. Actually life is like a constantly changing kaleidoscopic series of events, presenting themselves over and over again in endless variety. Understanding this makes it easier to step back and enjoy life for what it is. It can give me a stage upon which I enact my play, but it cannot give me meaning. I give life meaning by my attitude toward it.

I will flow with the times.

The person who does not make a choice makes a choice.
Jewish proverb

I will not look for soul today. I will not search or hack at the sediment that sits in its way. Today I will let soul chase after me – like children on a playground we will play tag, soul and I. I will hide in excited anticipation to be found and when I am, I will fuss and stamp my feet. I will whine and be a sore loser and then make up with soul, all to keep the game going-to keep it fun, lively and involving. But all the time, I will be easy to find. I will hide in obvious places and make noises. I will be a good playmate; the idea will be to keep playing – not to win or lose. Today I will take for granted that soul wants to be with me as much as I want to be with soul.

I’m hiding-come find me.

To play is to be unfettered and unconditional, to perform actions that are intrinsically satisfying, to sing, dance and laugh. . . . As players, then the gods are revealed to be delightful, joyful, graceful beings whose actions are completely spontaneous, unconditional, and expressive of their transcendent completeness and freedom.
David R. Kinsley

Today I know the truth of my recovery. If I am to stand centered and strong within my life and self, I will need to plant a garden within my own soul. A garden for me to nurture and to nurture me. A haven of beauty. I will find my own voice and sing my song because if I don’t sing it, it will not be sung. It is all I have and it is enough. I do not need to prove anything to anyone anymore. I have come home – to me. The truth is I was here all along, only I forgot to look for myself. Instead I searched for me in other people’s meaning and became lost in their stories. I am not lost today. I know that there is nowhere to look for me but within myself and no one to lead me there but me. Thank you, life, for letting me see this.

I am home within me.

“If you would be happy for a week, take a wife. If you would be happy for a month, kill a pig. But if you would be happy all your life, plant a garden.”
Ancient Chinese proverb

I am biologically programmed for development. Just as a flower grows from a seed, blooms, wilts and returns to the earth, I, too, have a life cycle. Dust to dust, ashes to ashes, I will come and go, be born, bloom and die. I am organic. I eat from the earth-I am a part of it, dependent on it. This is why I will love the world, because this world into which I am born is my spiritual and physical home.

I come from and will return to this world.

In the laboratory we can see daily things that come into existence and disappear, that pop into existence out of nowhere and then fade away. These are subatomic particles so it is all on a pretty small scale, but
we can imagine that if we apply quantum physics to the universe as a whole, the entire thing, all the matter, energy and space could come into existence out of nowhere spontaneously as a gigantic quantum fluctuation. . . . Quantum physics’ contribution is that of a universe that is not predetermined but an evolutionary pattern that is governed by probabilities, which creates a true openness.
Paul Davies

Dysfunctional pasts are tricky, sticky things to disentangle from. Because I felt unseen and isolated in my family, much of my sense of being close came through conflict and entanglement. We really didn’t know how to spend time together in a relaxed way. We were all on constant guard. Today I recognize that I reach for chaos and conflict the way an alcoholic reaches for a drink. I unconsciously wait for trouble to start, then I protect myself against the agony of anticipation by producing it in the form of either actual contention or
a kind of hysterical fun that is also based in tension and fear. Today I recognize this for what it is and see it all in a sympathetic light.

I forgive myself for participating in this dynamic and understand that I couldn’t help it.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James